UrbanWireBy Amiril Muhaimin and Nigel Low
The UrbanWire brings you the humorous highlights of the World Cup that delighted the millions of fans.
The Vuvuzela
The soundtrack of South Africa World Cup 2010, the vuvuzela is one of the most controversial music instruments to be introduced in the beautiful game.
“The Sound of Africa” initially irked the supporters. However, they ultimately conformed as the price of the colourful plastic trumpet for as low as $12.50 ZAR (S$2.25).
The UrbanWire bought the vuvuzela from a local distributor and we tried playing with this man-made marvel. To our surprise, we could only blow the tuneless, metre-long instrument for a pathetic 20 seconds. The locals must have trained with the trumpet for years to create a cacophony of deafening elephant foot stomps.
Also, the word “Vuvuzela” has entered the dictionary after being voted Word of the World Cup by global linguists, as purists of the beautiful game will be left licking the wounds on their impaired ears when they hear the term once again.
The Animal Oracles
A myriad of spoof images of Paul The Octopus being sliced and diced were rampant and widespread throughout Germany and Netherlands after the octopus successfully predicted the outcome.
The enraged fans wanted to turn Paul into various seafood dishes to appease their lust for blood. The Spanish prime minister intervened and offered protection for the poor, little octopus. The 8-legged creature is still in one piece despite having many sleepless nights having nightmares of torch and pitchforks.
Paul however, celebrated cult status and even has his own iPhone application that predicts the future.
Meanwhile, the star treatment for Mani has receded as the rates for predictions slumped from S$50 to S$4. It’s back to the normal sunflower seeds now bird.
France Rebel Squad
France’s farcical exit from the World Cup was embarrassing as they stuttered to a draw against Uruguay and was decapitated by a rampant Mexican side and a gung-ho Bafana-Bafana team.
Unfortunately for the neutrals, the nutty coach Raymond Domenech didn’t top his Euro 2008 antics when he proposed to his girlfriend after crashing out of the qualifying stage. The UrbanWire was hoping that he would announce his retirement from football and went to pursue a career in fashion instead.
As the French lament their poor showing and hobbled like a one-legged pigeon, the world took much amusement laughing at Les Blues when the players held a mutiny. Bizarre astrological team selection, asking a striker to pack early, clashing of egos truly made France the “Fail” team of the World Cup.
Short Tempered Argentinians
The boys of Albicelestes have shrugged off the tag of being the ruffians of the tournament as they were only yellow-carded 7 times. The baton has been passed to Netherlands as the team collected a grand total of 22 yellow cards and 1 red.
Perhaps, it’s Maradona’s pre-match kiss that abated the short-tempered Argentinians.
The closest the team came to swinging an arm was when the lens of the camera accidentally struck Gabriel Heinze’s head during the team’s celebration. The defender retaliated by punching the camera away.
A stark contrast from FIFA 2006 when Argentina started a scuffle with Germany. This year, Albicelestes got thrashed and the rest is history.
The Jinx of an Awesome Commercial
The world was in awe after Nike initiated the “Write The Future” campaign, which featured a jaw dropping video that saw the likes of Wayne Rooney, Fabio Cannavaro, Franck Ribery, Didier Drogba, and Ronaldinho.
Little did the players that starred in the commercial know that their performance in the World Cup would be appalling and awful.
Rooney shouldered the burden of the entire nation as he failed to score a single goal and capped it with 4 dreadful performances. Ribery would love to have emulated scenes from the commercial and laugh at the forward but his performance was equally horrendous after so much hype were casted on these 2 stars to shine in the tournament.
However, the biggest disappointment would have to be Cristiano Ronaldo. Although he had a statue of himself erected in the commercial, “The World’s Most Expensive Player” failed to set the World Cup on fire. The Portugese captain failed to turn up when the team needed him the most, which ultimately saw Portugal bowing out of the competition in the Round of 16.
The Loudmouth who Breaks Hearts for Dessert
The best goalkeeper of the tournament, Luis Suarez, failed to receive the Golden Glove of the tournament despite having a clean sheet to his name. Of course, The UrbanWire is referring to the incident where he deliberately handled the ball that kept Uruguay in the World Cup.
Despite amassing an impressive goal scoring record of 55 goals in 62 appearances for club and country, the clinical striker will instead be remembered for his instinctive hand reflexes.
You can label him a hero or cheat but given the stakes of the tie, you can only applaud him for taking one for the team. However, instead of keeping mum of the incident, Suarez chose to gloat about his despicable actions, which saw millions of Africans weep in despair.
The new “Hand of God” will definitely be abhorred all around the world except for his homeland.
The Naked Mile
The Latin Americans sure seem to love their celebrations in the buff. From mercurial coach Diego Maradona’s proclamation to celebrate a World Cup win by running all the way to the Obelisk, to Paraguayan bombshell Larrissa Riquelme’s vow to run nude in her own turf. Almost like a cruel low blow from the heavens above, Paraguay was knocked out by a solitary poacher’s goal by David Villa. However, Miss Riquelme made it crystal clear that fate was not going to stop her from giving what her fans wanted. Yes, you heard me. She is going to run on the streets with her 1.70 metre frame covered only with body paint in the colours of her beloved country! I should now take a conscious effort to stop myself from sounding like an over-zealous kid in a candy store.
Likewise we might as well count our lucky stars that Argentina too had a failed bid to win the Jules Rimet trophy. Lets get brutally honest here. Diego Armando Maradona in all his “bare” glory, running with the wind through his hairy thighs, down the streets of Buenos Aries might certainly be a sight to behold, but I would rather be accustomed to having two Vuvuzelas blown vociferously into my ears.
The Dutch Thugs
This is football for goodness sakes! Nobody seemed to remind Dutch enforcers Nigel De Jong and Mark Van Bommel that as they pummeled and bulldozed their way around during the final in Soccer City. The most outrageous of misdemeanors included a flying karate kick to Xabi Alonso’s sternum courtesy of De Jong, and Van Bommel’s cynical scything down of Joan Capdevilla. Although the Spanish team was also guilty of playacting and misconduct of their own, the Dutch showed so much aggression in other games as well, reminiscent of teams like Bolton and Wimbledon.
Albeit unsightly at times, this team oozed efficiency with a careful sprinkling of class. A total of 126 fouls and 22 yellow cards were amassed over the span of one month. These ghastly statistics were the great examples of how to bully teams into submission. It would not have been surprising if the scouts from the World Wrestling Entertainment came calling after this “brilliant” performance.
Bunch of Gays
The Dutch can probably take a leaf out of the German’s book in being elegant and suave. They have to refrain from learning too much though; otherwise they might be pinpointed as homosexuals. A German newspaper revealed this slightly unusual and definitely amusing accusation made by Michael Ballack’s long serving agent, Mr Michael Becker. This interview allegedly highlighted several members of the current Die Mannschaft as a “bunch of gays”. He added that that’s the reason why they play with such style and verve. Their current exuberance and elegance on the ball wowed many and have won over many neutrals and skeptics alike. Their delicate touches on the ball was definitely pleasing to the eye, but really attributing that to homosexual tendencies might be a tad too far-fetched.
Moments on the pitch post-match might involve countless hugging, crying, kissing, and also the occasional slap to the bottom, but that’s the beauty of football, certainly not excuses for further close contact! Even if these allegations are true, I for one do not mind having this exciting team reminding time and again why I love football. After all, this “gay” team is led by a man who digs his nose before consuming its contents, and also loves the musky odour of his armpits. Surely this achieves a ying and yang balance in the team right?