HYPE
It’s unlikely that any of us would sit back to think about the gazillion words and phrases we use on a daily basis, so what more the overrated profanities that hang so precariously from our lips? Pull up your socks and learn a thing or two from English poet and playwright William Shakespeare when it comes to controlling our temper. This quick guide will teach you to behave like royalty when someone gets on your nerves and, slowly but surely, you’ll master the lovely mix of swear and style.
By Rachael Nonis
“What the dickens” – The Merry Wives of Windsor
Used in replacement of “What the devil” or the infamous four-letter swear sword, Shakespeare describes the annoyance of forgetting someone’s name. Despite another famous author with the surname Dickens appearing years later, I’m pretty sure Shakespeare wrote this curse without any pun intended. So the next time you forget anything at all, you should be wondering what the dickens it was.
“A sorry sight”- Macbeth
Shakespeare laments Macbeth’s murderous hands as a pathetic sight, rotten to the eyes and miserable – just like your friend’s hideous outfit. Only you don’t want to be mean and tell her it looks retarded. Instead, bring her to a mirror and say, “Oh darling, you are such a sorry sight…”. But do try to make it up to her by bringing her for an awesome shopping spree afterward.
“A blinking idiot”- The Merchant of Venice
In order to get Portia’s hand in marriage, the prince of Arragon has to find a basket with a portrait of her in it. Instead, he finds a portrait of a stranger, and in his anger and frustration, calls it a portrait of a blinking idiot. Surely he couldn’t have meant that the portrait was blinking, but it sure makes for the nicest adjective to compliment the word idiot.
“A plague on both your houses”- Romeo and Juliet
Used to curse the feuding Montague (Romeo) and Capulet (Juliet) families, this curse translates to something like “damn them in any way possible”. So next time you’re stuck in the middle of a love triangle where things get out of hand and you’re thinking of calling the spiritual forces on her/him, this line will be perfect. You’ll be surprised at their surprise and feel surprisedly better after that.
“The most unkindest cut of all”- Julius Caesar
When Brutus stabs Caesar, Shakespeare calls it the most unkindest cut of all, since Brutus’ treachery and betrayal killed him more than the actual wound. In today’s world filled with scheming backstabbers, look him/her square in the eyes, put on your most believable pout, and say the line. Believe me, that weasel will never forget it.
“Cudgel thy brains”- Hamlet
Two clowns are having a conversation. One is more confused than the other. The smarter one advises the other not to cudgel thy brains any more since it has been beaten up, and even thinking takes an extraordinary effort. This is perfect to describe someone who takes way too long to figure out the sum of one plus two.
“My dear lady disdain, are you yet living?”- Much Ado About Nothing
This was first used by Benedick when he bumps into Beatrice who later becomes his wife. Like all modern love stories, the two hate each other at first, constantly hurling insults at the other. Guys, it might just be the way to win over your long-time crush, although careful planning is needed. Ladies, try it on the she-devil in your life, and prepare to run.
“The serpent’s egg”- Julius Caesar
Brutus calls Caesar a serpent’s egg, as though he was some evil waiting to be hatched. The modern adaptation of the phrase is something like “You son of a b*tch!”. Now, learn some manners from the Bard and sound a little more civilised, will you?
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