To makers of thriller movies, masked murderers, isolated motels and vulnerable victims represent the same thing that sleight of hand represents to B-grade magicians –a desperate reliance on an excellent if hackneyed trick and a bit (or a lot) of luck to triumph over triteness. Vacancy, suffered from a lack of luck.

Amy (Kate Beckinsale) and David Fox (Luke Wilson) are a strained couple in the midst of a divorce, embarking on their very last road trip. While Amy sleeps, David decides to leave the interstate and take a shortcut. And of course, as in all B-grade horror flicks, their car breaks down on a deserted highway miles away from civilisation. Left with no choice, they’re forced to seek refuge at a shady motel for the night.

Creepy manager, Mason (Frank Whaley), directs them to the shabby Honeymoon Suite where they would soon experience their ultimate nightmare. Reminiscent of the “Bates Motel” courtesy of the Hitchcock cult classic, Psycho, the dilapidated Pinewood Motel transforms into a hell-hole of perverted fancies where the deranged mastermind Mason and 2 boorish henchmen play a twisted game of cat and mouse.

The warped tale unfolds when they settle into the room. Frustrated and miserable, the couple turn to the only source of entertainment. An old TV and a stack of homemade videotapes. Strangely enough, the Honeymoon suite doesn’t provide the expected encouraging adult movies. Instead, they find vicious snuff films shot in the very room. Petrified, they begin their struggle to escape, while hidden cameras film their every move.

Predictable and humdrum, the only originality lies in David’s sharp-wittedness. He analyses each video carefully, looking for similarities and mistakes in hopes of upping their chances of surviving.

Alas, this production needs much, much more to do just that. From the villain’s Halloween-reject costumes to the show’s logic (or lack thereof), the production is more or less the typical low-budget freak movie.

First timers to the genre, Wilson and Beckinsale provide respectable enough performances which kind of make up for the tired script. Without taking anything away from Beckinsale – we know she’s good –Wilson, with a deeper role, really shines. Whaley plays the puppet-master sufficiently well. He gives off this utterly untrustworthy cracko vibe. It also probably helped that he really looked the part.

Shoving an obscene amount of close-ups of tormented faces at us, the movie has an atmosphere that is decidedly claustrophobic, with the characters being trapped in dark corners and small spaces. Think tiny rooms and underground tunnels. So predictable, it even adopts Fear Factor’s trademark second task –rodents.

Well, at least the title is fitting. Most of the 80 minutes really is as vacuous as its name implies. Director Nimrod Antal, who previously worked on the gritty, dark-humoured and critically lauded Hungarian film, Kontroll, lives up to his first name as well with this US debut.

All that said, Antal did keep a relatively fast pace, ensuring that no part of it became draggy. Credit must also be given to the Director of Photography, Andrzej Sekula, for skilfully composing visually appealing shots and ultimately, making the movie bearable.

I trust that you get where I’m going with this. Only watch it when your overpaid cable stations run it and your remote’s dead. If you’re not the biggest fan of sordid slasher films, you’ll probably hate the whole genre after watching this. And if you’re into such things, dear rapacious bloodhound, even then you’ll ask yourself completely inappropriate questions while watching it. Is it wise giving out lit sparklers at a gas station? And really, where is all the carnage?

I was going to say that I really shouldn’t spoil it for you but first, let’s check out the definition of that sweet word, spoiler.

Spoiler, as defined by dictionary.com.

“A remark which reveals important plot elements from books or movies, thus denying the reader (of the article) the proper suspense when reading the book or watching the movie.”
Because there truly are no “important plot elements” and I will most definitely not be denying you “the proper suspense”, I don’t think that I would be destroying any kind of experience for anyone. Still, I guess I won’t divulge the tiny, miniscule, infinitesimal twist. I will tell you this, though. The cinema erupted in sniggers and smirks when it happened. And at the end of those 80 minutes, the more cynical of you would understand why Amy wanted a divorce.

The only reason to watch the movie is sexy (and sweaty) siren, Kate Beckinsale. Good move, Insignificant-Casting-Director. It’s a shame that so many talents – Antal, Sekula, Beckinsale, Wilson, Whaley and Insignificant-Casting-Director–worked together on such a substandard storyline.

Dreadful is not a good word. Vacancy is not a good movie. And therefore, with my prodigious abilities of connection and comprehension, I conclude that Vacancy is dreadful.

2 out of 5 stars

Movie Details:

Opens: July 19

Running Time: 85 minutes

Cast: Luke Wilson, Kate Beckinsale, Frank Whaley

Director: Nimrod Antal