Don’t expect love, XOXOs and Hallmark greetings in this anti-Valentine’s Day special column

As if Chinese New Year wasn’t enough. I meant the interrogation by the relatives. “Boy, when are you getting married? Got girlfriend? Auntie Sally from the other block has a daughter. Want?” Well, Sally junior is 12 years old, so let’s not go there.

The Jack Bauer-esque interrogations soon went by and before I could heave a sigh of relief and plan a vacation far away from those FBI agent relatives next Chinese New Year, bam! Valentine’s Day is here to remind you of your miserable singlehood existence.

Valentine’s Day is the zeitgeist because everyone talks about it, plans the itinerary, books the restaurants, send secret letters to crushes and drop hints weeks in advance. It’s undeniable I have to talk about the dreaded occasion, all pomp and pageantry in this column then. But it doesn’t mean I can’t admonish it either.

For starters, V Day is celebrated in honour of Saint Valentine, who was executed by Roman Emperor Claudius II. So really, sharing expensive chocolates and exchanging kisses over a saint who was killed? And I thought Halloween was a horrific and twisted occasion. This just keeps getting better and better.

I won’t criticise the commercialisation of the holiday or else I’d be guilty of the Christmas presents I received. Go forth and spend. Help the economy. Buy a stalk of rose for $10. Spend $98 per pax on a 3-course chef-prepared set dinner at a restaurant. While you can afford, pop the bottle of Moet at double the usual price.

Of course, there are couples out there who don’t worship the event (read: cheapos). They(usually the recently-retrenched or cash- strapped gentlemen) will profess that every day is a V-Day and there’s no need to lavish or splurge. Or they will conveniently claim Feb 14 is for teenagers to hook up or parade their allowance. Clearly, we’re talking about people who are sour grapes over their long-lost youth.

Whatever. Enough nauseating talk about couples. They can choke on the last strand of shared spaghetti for all I care. I’m more concerned about fellow singletons surviving the occasion. Well, here are a few pointers. Take a trip out of this country just so you won’t bump into your ex in Orchard snuggling with someone else. But try not to pick places like Bali or Maldives because those places are infested with lovers, if you ask me.

Or sleep in late and idle at home. Maybe it’s time to catch up on reading. Avoid romance novels and those darn chick lit books. Shopaholic be damned. Gather a few single friends, hit the town wearing Cupid wings in black and frighten the socks off any couple at sight. Or stay home and watch horror movie after horror movie. I highly recommend Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Seriously, it’s just another day. Celebrate if you must. Just don’t carry heart-shaped balloons walking down Scotts Road. I would shoot you if I could.

Onto more important matters concerning the zeitgeist – it’s awards season! Yes, ever since the Oscar nominations were announced, everyone’s taking a bet on who will win Best Picture and the acting categories. Have you caught the Oscar fever yet? Can the Slumdog bite? Or will it be a curious win for Benjamin Button? I will share more on the movies, the actors, the actresses and my annual predictions in a series of Oscar special features on this website in the next week or two. Watch out for them.

That’s how I’m going to spend my V-Day – watching a slew of Oscar-nominated films, from Doubt, The Wrestler to Slumdog Millionaire. If you spot a lonely young man in a dark theatre on Feb 14, that could be me. Come sit next to me and share my butter popcorn. You can be my Valentine.

Ronald Wan is a freelance writer who was last spotted running into his ex in Bali.